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Attachment theory

 

Attachment theory is well established, originating in England in the late 1940s, with the work of John Bowlby.

 
 

In recent decades, attachment has been greatly explored and has led to innovative and intuitive treatments. such as Sue Johnson’s Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT).

 

Interpersonal Neurobiology

Further, detailed mapping of the nervous system - made possible by recent medical technology -  has lead to a new field of study, Interpersonal Neurobiology, providing rich understanding that we are hardwired for interpersonal connection.

I believe our drive is to connect with others

From our beginnings, I believe our drive is to connect with others: our families, friends, partners/spouses, and our communities.

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We strive to put our best selves forward

We strive to put our best selves forward and to give ourselves to others, and in a secure connection, our natural human characteristics shine through. We are all creative, kind, curious, patient, caring, courageous, compassionate, generous, and vibrant - I believe this is our natural state. When we are connected and loved, we feel most fully ourselves, and we are most able to fully put these qualities forward.

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We’re human though, and we don’t love perfectly.

We doubt, we fear, and we tire. At times, we don't communicate well enough, hear well enough, love well enough, or receive others well enough.

We are imperfect sons and daughters, husbands and wives, fathers, mothers, and grandparents.  This affects connection, creates some suffering, and sows the seeds of doubt and fear. If love is our fundamental nature, fear is our fundamental human habit. Losing connection seeds fear and doubt, inciting internal struggle. Our fears lead to thoughts of scarcity - not enough love, belonging, worth, recognition, etc. Brené Brown’s work on shame (part of scarcity) is fantastic. She adeptly describes how scarcity takes a toll on us and those around us, negatively impacting our relationships.

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We exert effort to make the world meet our needs.

Afraid or uncertain, struggling with scarcity, we exert effort to make the world meet our needs, often starting with our partner.

We try to make our partner hear us, understand us, embrace us, validate us, see us. Sadly, when we do this, our partner can see us turn into another force in the world, and most people don’t like to be forced to do things, especially by a loved one. Reading this, you might be the one pushing your partner. You might feel pushed by your partner. Chances are, you’re both.

Dynamics like this make us feel stuck

Dynamics like this make us feel stuck - in a place we didn't choose, don’t deserve, and feel powerless to change.We feel something is being done to us. When we feel this way with a partner, the pain is intense, so we try to get through to our partner, and that’s where I can help.

If you’re stuck, I’ll help you understand what’s making you stuck.

 

I will help you build skill in communicating so you can be heard. I will help empower you so you can make choices And take action, to participate more fully in your life, relationship and community.

 

We all want to be heard, relieved, and satisfied, and also to get away from what makes us feel badly in the process. We want to be free to move closer to what we need. Culturally, it’s part of who we are to seek full life, liberty and happiness. None of us can do that alone.

Skills

Skills

I believe that you want your husband/wife/partner to be happy, and I believe most people are fully sincere when they stand in front of their friends.