You've been there....
A disagreement with your spouse. You offer one view. He or she offers another. You rephrase. You hear attitude and feel pressure or friction from their response. You bring a little attitude. You both talk a little louder. Then a little more.... Suddenly you're in a fight.
You hear attack and criticism. You feel pushed and pressured. In your gut, you have the unmistakable urge to push back. Ultimately you lash out and retaliate. Your thinking is full of defensive phrases like, "I just", "I only", "I didn't". Or, instead of attack, you hear denial, refusal of your wants, dismissal of your feelings. That same urge rises in your gut and you mount an offense, you call out your partner's wrongs, demand what you need, and chase after it. That's when you shift into phrases like, "you think...", "you always...", "you never...", or “you're so selfish". Either way, if you weren't in a fight before, you are now.
The line
When you fight with your spouse you discover where your line is, and where his or hers is too. That line is the edge of your tolerance for whatever your spouse does that might hurt. Up to that line, you can respond instead of react. Once you or your spouse hit that line, just one more push sets you both firmly on separate sides of "the line". You're now adversaries, which means in that moment, on that issue, you're not on the same team any more. Forget love and cherish. Over the line means attack and defend. That's a fight. Fights start as conflicts, but not all conflicts turn into fights.
Being on opposite sides of the line or an issue with your spouse hurts. It physically hurts. A study by Naomi Eisenberger, PhD, and Kipling Williams, PhD, (Science 2003) shows that individuals suffering a social disconnect - a break up usually - will register activity in the brain similar to the activity that coincides with physical pain in the body. MRI scans show that the part of the brain which registers physical pain is also the part of the brain active when experiencing emotional pain. That means that interpersonal disputes hurt. Plain and simple.
Three responses:
There are three kinds of responses you can offer when in a conflict with your spouse. You can defend against what you hear. You can attack what you hear. Or you can join your spouse where they are. Attack and defense depend on your interpretation of your spouse's sentiments and your tolerance for what you think you're hearing: if you get too angry then you attack or if you fear/resist what you see coming then you defend. Joining your spouse depends on your ability to tolerate any fear/uncertainty or anger and, your ability to stay open to what you hear from your spouse, even if it hurts. When you interpret your spouse as turning their back on you (anger worthy), or attacking you (calling for defense), and you can't deal with it, you've gone over the line.
Defend:
You're talking to your spouse when he or she says something that sounds like, you're wrong, or you're bad, and it stings a bit. He or she sounds critical to you, and you feel pushed over the line so you defend against what he or she says. You react with defense when you hear an attack.
For example, your spouse says, "Hon, you left your shoes in the hall", or "I'm always cleaning up". The message you interpret is you're lazy or you never help. You've had a long day and maybe this was enough to push you over that line, so it hurt, and you react rather than respond. You quickly retort, "Hey, I just got home!", or "I cleaned the entire hall yesterday, by myself!". Now you are pushing back. You want to stop the attack and ultimately to be back on the side of the line you want to be on. You ultimately want to feel safely/certainly connected with your spouse, and at the very least, protected.
Bottom line: In defense, you see unwarranted attack, feel hurt and you react with aggressive words that are often about yourself and are meant to protect yourself. Unfortunately, your spouse is likely to feel rebuffed, discounted or dismissed. Then you might have a fight on your hands.
Attack:
You're with your spouse when he or she says or does something that hurts. You see his or her action as selfish, or simply inconsiderate. Instantly your partner looks self-focused, or worse, even intentionally inconsiderate. You're left feeling overlooked, neglected, and even bruised. This hurts too. His or her actions push you over the line. You feel feel aggrieved, intentionally disregarded or denied and so you attack what seems to be the problem, and in that moment your spouse seems to be that problem. He or she seems wrong so you react with effort to right the wrong and to stop what hurts.
For example, your spouse left shoes in the hall and you think, "I'm always cleaning up". Your spouse's actions seem to send the message, you'll pick up because cleaning is your thing, not mine. You instantly feel taken for granted, or ignored in your requests to keep the hall clear. You feel hurt, you're over the line, and you react. You see your spouse relaxing, and snap at him or her, "Hey, you really don't care who cleans up around here, do you?!", or "You must think I'm your cleaner", or even "you're so lazy!". You are pushing to stop what hurts and ultimately to get back to the side of the line you want to be on. You are attacking / righting what you see as a wrong. You send anger towards what you want to stop.
Bottom line: In attack, you see neglect or offense, feel hurt and react to stop the offense or right a wrong. Your words are aggressive and usually about your spouse, who in that moment is playing the role of "the problem". Your aim is to protect yourself, but unfortunately, your spouse is likely to feel unfairly attacked. He or she then feels put down, or unfairly judged, and again you have a fight on your hands.
When hurt calls for defense or justifies an attack:
Sadly, there's more harm brought into the world by people taking offense, rather than giving it. Feeling hurt is reason to take notice and see what is going on between you and your spouse. Hurt indicates a need of some kind. However, this is where you need to be careful. Attack or defense both require you to interpret the cause of your hurt as a wrong, or offense, and to be angry at or fear / resist what you see.
My spouse is criticizing me. He or she is judging me unfairly. That's and attack! I feel hurt and what she or he is doing calls for me to defend myself, doesn't it? Really, it's not that simple. Feeling hurt, doesn't mean your partner attacked you. Also, you're partner might truly attack you and you might not feel hurt. There's also the option of not resisting and not defending, even if you are attacked and do feel hurt.
It's much the same for attack-worthiness. I feel overlooked and injured because my spouse isn't considering me. I've mentioned this to him or her before. I believe he or she is doing it on purpose. He or she is wrong to do it and that's worth an attack. Isn't it? It's not that simple here either. Feeling angry and believing you were wronged - neglected, dismissed, or denied, doesn't mean your partner wronged you. Also, you can go overlooked or left with needs unmet without feeling hurt, angry or wronged. There's a third option here too. You can feel hurt, believe you've been wronged and choose not to become angry or attack.
Join:
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, the old saying goes. Typically, this saying means, you tried and couldn't win, so it's better to join in the winning side. It's a brilliant move in marriage because in marriage, it's impossible to win. Winning only happens in adversarial relationships. If you try to win a conflict with your spouse, then you are seeing your spouse first as an adversary and you've already lost.
Win-lose interactions are power based. Power-based interactions elicit fear / resistance and/or anger. Fear and anger split spouses into adversaries. Spouses can't be adversaries and stay spouses. Marriage, or any committed partnership, is a bad place for power struggles. Marriage requires a relationship that maintains enough empathy or mutual focus between partners to establish and maintain a both/and relationship. A win lose relationship doesn't allow for empathy because, by definition, a win-lose scenario means one spouse is primarily focused on winning over the other. That's not really compatible with your standard marriage vows of love and cherish. Win-lose in marriage vows would be, "I promise to love and cherish, but only when I win".
Before and beyond all moments of resistance or anger, you love your spouse. How else did you get to be spouses? Love allows you to focus on your spouse's needs while you have needs too. Spousal relationship, when it goes well, means that you trust your partner has your needs in mind while serving their own too, and they can trust that you have his or her needs in mind while serving your own too. Love allows you to be aware of your own needs and allow for your partner's needs at the same time. Resistance and anger direct focus on only yourself, in a conflict. It's worth noting that the mind responds to emotional threat, in much the same manner as its response to physical threat: fight, flight, or freeze.
When you look into fear, resistance, or anger under attack or defense, you will find your interpretation of your spouse's words or behavior. The messages you get from your spouse are the foundation of your defensive or attack. When you hear your spouse, through their words or deeds, sending you a message that you don't matter - premise for attack - or you're wrong - reason for defense - you react with resistance and or anger. Those are the feelings of being over the line.
Anger leads to attack, and likely later on, some opportunity for defense. Fear and resistance lead to defense, and usually a counter attack. The third option is to not give into a fear / resistance based urge to defend, and not to give into an anger based urge to right a wrong. That leaves you with joining your partner.
Joining your partner is as simple as the term sounds. Unfortunately, simple is often not easy. For instance, go move that large boulder by yourself, is pretty simple, but hard to do. Joining your partner is staying or joining your partner on the side of the line they are on. When hear your spouse as attacking you, forgive the attack, empathize, try to understand the hurt they feel that drives their attack. If you feel taken for granted by your spouse, forgive their oversight or self-centered behavior. The hard part, for either of these moves, is that you feel your own hut, fear or anger but then have to set it aside. It is simple, but it's one of the most difficult things you will ever do.
For example, your spouse says, "Hon, you left your shoes in the hall", - yes we're back to the shoes again - or your spouse says "I'm always cleaning up". Like before, the message you interpret is you're lazy or you never help. Here is where things are different. You start to feel the hurt build, and you've had a long day too. You're tired, and you want to react. Instead, you relax your tongue (really, try it out), and then take a deep breath. Pause and try to feel where your spouse is coming from. Join your spouse in their frustration for a moment.
You could defend yourself. After all, it's your house too. You technically have the right to leave your shoes in your hall. But, instead you tell yourself, it's his or her her house too, and right now I'll go to his or her side of the line. You say, "Sorry, I know it bothers you when I leave shoes in the hall. I meant to move them before you got home. I'm sorry I forgot." And you move to pick up the shoes.
When you do this, your spouse sees behavior that sends the message, I do care about you and what you want. You do matter. Your spouse then has a chance to recognize you're still on his or her side of the line and respond with kindness, graciousness, and even an apology for sounding aggravated, because, after all, it is your house too.
The hardest part of joining your partner is taking that moment to pause, directing any effort of resistance to your own reactivity, not your spouse's. If you can do that, then you're able to respond instead of react. You can put aside your evidence to legitimize your actions or lack of action and instead, choose to be with your partner in their need. It will only need to be as long as it takes for your partner to see you send the message, you do matter to me.
But what about you? You still have needs too. Or what if your partner isn't satisfied with your efforts at joining them? Well, you have limits, and if you feel your restraint giving in to your own reactivity, then you need to set your boundaries, observe your own limits, and advocate for yourself. That means, before you go over the line, tell your spouse you don't want to be angry, and then respectfully but firmly step away from the conflict. It's better to notice your own limits, and walk away when you need to, than to let a conflict become a fight. Keep yourself on the right side of the line.
If you would like help with your marital or family conflicts please email me at Andre@APpsychotherapy.com, or call to schedule a consult at (617) 326-8404.
