When you take on a new job, you might be introduced to the phrase "including but not limited to". When you hear this phrase applied to your new responsibilities it means that you will be responsible for the tasks specified - stock shelves, run the cash register, unlock the doors and turn on the lights - and later you may be asked to do other things too - order stock, run inventory. It's an easy way for a manager to help you get up to speed while leaving the door open to expect more from you later on. It's also the reason a part-time entry level position can find itself with the responsibility of full time employee.
Much like work requirements, the expectations of being a spouse can seem simple to start with. Today's entry level marriage responsibility includes, but is not limited to, "love and cherish" your spouse, and maybe even to be a best friend. However, over time, the list goes on to include being a confidante, a confessor, a spiritual companion, a cheerleader, an accomplished sexual partner, co-parent, geriatric aid, personal care assistant, therapist, financial contributor, financial planner, political compatriot, and more.
The expectations of today's marriage are much greater than they used to be. Eli Finkel, a social psychologist at Northwestern University, and other social psychologists identify in recent history 3 models of marriage, institutional marriage (from the nation's founding until 1850), companionate marriage (from 1851 to 1965), and self-expressive marriage (from 1965 onward).
Up through 1965, people saw marriage as another expected step in life. It was more of a social institution and less of a choice. Now, it's much more a choice, and since it's a choice, we want to put as much as we can into marriage. For those successful enough at fulfilling their wants and their partners, marriages today are better than ever. For those unable to fulfill the ever rising demands of marriage, including, but not limited to loving and cherishing.
People today are expected to be more capable professionally and personally, but everyone gets a lot more training for professional work today. Career preparation begins as early as Kindergarten, with education curricula geared more towards preparation for career than ever before. On the other hand, marriage preparation might be limited to kindergarten only (a reference to Robert Fulghum's All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten). For most, beyond kindergarten, marriage prep is finding the deep-end of the pool and jumping in. The deep end of that pool is pretty deep today.
Some basic tools for marriage success today include, but are not limited to active listening, forgiving, empathizing, sympathizing, learning what you need, asking for what you need, learning your own limits, taking responsibility for your own limits, conflict management, self-soothing, making and keeping friends, maintaining a hobby, and practicing some form of spirituality can help too.
If you'd like to talk to me about these tools and other skills to help your marriage, please reach out to me to schedule a consultation at (617) 326-8404, or email me at Andre@appsychotherapy.com.
