Marriage: including but not limited to...

When you take on a new job, you might be introduced to the phrase "including but not limited to".  When you hear this phrase applied to your new responsibilities it means that you will be responsible for the tasks specified - stock shelves, run the cash register, unlock the doors and turn on the lights - and later you may be asked to do other things too - order stock, run inventory. It's an easy way for a manager to help you get up to speed while leaving the door open to expect more from you later on. It's also the reason a part-time entry level position can find itself with the responsibility of full time employee.

Much like work requirements, the expectations of being a spouse can seem simple to start with. Today's entry level marriage responsibility includes, but is not limited to, "love and cherish" your spouse, and maybe even to be a best friend. However, over time, the list goes on to include being a confidante, a confessor, a spiritual companion, a cheerleader, an accomplished sexual partner, co-parent, geriatric aid, personal care assistant, therapist, financial contributor, financial planner, political compatriot, and more.

The expectations of today's marriage are much greater than they used to be. Eli Finkel, a social psychologist at Northwestern University, and other social psychologists identify in recent history 3 models of marriage, institutional marriage (from the nation's founding until 1850), companionate marriage (from 1851 to 1965), and self-expressive marriage (from 1965 onward).

Up through 1965, people saw marriage as another expected step in life. It was more of a social institution and less of a choice. Now, it's much more a choice, and since it's a choice, we want to put as much as we can into marriage. For those successful enough at fulfilling their wants and their partners, marriages today are better than ever. For those unable to fulfill the ever rising demands of marriage, including, but not limited to loving and cherishing.

People today are expected to be more capable professionally and personally, but everyone gets a lot more training for professional work today. Career preparation begins as early as Kindergarten, with education curricula geared more towards preparation for career than ever before.  On the other hand, marriage preparation might be limited to kindergarten only (a reference to Robert Fulghum's All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten). For most, beyond kindergarten, marriage prep is finding the deep-end of the pool and jumping in. The deep end of that pool is pretty deep today.

Some basic tools for marriage success today include, but are not limited to active listening, forgiving, empathizing, sympathizing, learning what you need, asking for what you need, learning your own limits, taking responsibility for your own limits, conflict management, self-soothing, making and keeping friends, maintaining a hobby, and practicing some form of spirituality can help too.

If you'd like to talk to me about these tools and other skills to help your marriage, please reach out to me to schedule a consultation at (617) 326-8404, or email me at Andre@appsychotherapy.com.

Conflict Basics: Two Kinds of Hurt

I see a lot of conflict in my office. Most people get into relationships without a good sense of how to handle conflicts.  At the first sign of conflict, some turtle, some fight tooth-and-nail, some dance around issues and vent.

Handling a conflict so it doesn't become a fight is a skill to develop. No one is born with it. Too often, I witness a conflict bring out a critical tone from one spouse, which elicits a contemptuous response from the other. Both parties feel hurt, get angry immediately, and I can almost hear the fight bell sound off as the angry volleys escalate...

When we love someone we want to feel safely connected, loved, appreciated, and nourished by that relationship. That's the experience of secure attachment. That's the baseline we all aim for in a marriage or a family, for instance. When your needs go unmet, or you feel some threat emotionally, your attachments won't feel secure. 

Conflict happens in a relationship when you and your partner have competing needs but limited time, attention, or money. You both want to buy a house, but one wants city, one wants country. You both want to be together long term, but one wants children, and one wants travel and less responsibility. You both need some TLC, but one person talks all the air time and doesn't attend to the other. 

Conflicts again are two competing desires/needs, in the face of one limited resource - time, attention, money, etc. For a conflict to become a fight, one or both of you need to take offense at the momentary loss or lack of understanding from your spouse.

Conflicts hurt.
Attachment hurts come in two varieties, the hurt you feel when your relationship needs go unmet, and the hurt you feel when you feel threatened emotionally in your close relationships. I'll try to briefly explain the two kinds of hurt with a couple of examples.

Conflict 1 - you are denied or feel abandoned
First, the relationship hurt of unmet need. It's cliché, but a good example is that of a husband leaving his clothes on the floor and the wife feeling upset because she repeatedly asks him not to do that. This is an example of a need going unmet. The idea is that the husband leaving clothes on the floor looks like a message to his wife that he doesn't care about her and she may feel more alone. Her thinking might be, "if he did care about me he'd help by putting his clothes in the hamper. I've told him a thousand times to do that."

Conflict 2 - your are attacked or feel diminished.
Second, is the relationship hurt of emotional threat. One good cliche deserves another so an example of this emotional threat would be a wife criticizing her husband's driving and the husband feeling pressured and judged. The idea here is that the wife making critical statements sends a message of disapproval or contempt and he may feel anger covering over shame and resisting a feeling of being diminished. That hurts.

These are minor examples but major examples are easy to come by. Having an affair would be an extreme act of abandonment or disregard for the emotional needs of a spouse. Criticizing or judging a spouse about physical traits or financial standing after a job loss would be an extreme act of emotional threat, diminishing the spouse in their situation. That hurts too.

It's important to understand that this kind of hurt actually, physically hurts! A study by

Hurts lead to fights.
Both attack and denial are attachment threatening hurts, where the message, "your need is not valid", translates into "I don't care about you". And, the message "you're in the wrong" translates into "I think less of you". Both are a threat to your sense of secure connection to a loved one.

I want to matter, so I fight for that.

The thinking goes like this, "If you tell me I am in the wrong, I feel diminished by you. That is a threat to my connection to you and it hurts. I want To protect from each, both require different responses. When you feel like your partner is putting you down or making accusations, your gut says, "I am good!".  group dismisses, belittles, shames, pushes away, or avoids claims made on them.

On the other end of things, the "I need" group shows anger, demands, blames, or pleads, pries, and manipulates.

I want to be claimed.

In either group, when you suffer - with the sense of I need, or I matter - you

Talking Turkey - Contentious Family Topics This Holiday Season

With family, relationships are important. Within politics, power is important. If you talk politics with family, you risk using power wielding language in a relationship environment.

If you want to talk social issues during visits with family, I suggest making it personal, and not about being right. (Sounds counter-intuitive but follow me for a moment.) Don't wield facts like weapons. Leave out the speeches about history. I believe there are no facts that will change an angry uncle's mind. An experience with a compassionate, truth speaking, nephew/niece or brother/sister might though.

If addressing social issues with family, it can be contentious.
1) Start by asking yourself, "Can I hear this person's point-of-view, even if it's wrong, or insulting?" If the answer is no, you'd be better to simply ask the person to stop talking about the issue because you would prefer not to talk about it out of disagreement.
2) If you can, then ask, "What is it about (mentioned issue or issue you want to raise) that concerns you?"
3) Where you are able - and try to - respond with, "I can see how you could see it that way though I see it differently."
4) Follow up with, "Why is that so meaningful to you personally?"
5) Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you learn something about the other person, NOT the issue.
6) Ask if they would be open to hear your concern, and how it's meaningful to you. If not, then return to #2 or #4 when fitting.
7) Know your limits. If you are feeling upset or angry, inform the other that they are saying things that bother you and that you need to leave, or observe #1.
8) Own your thoughts and feelings. If a family member tells you what you think, what you feel, or what your opinion is, please tell them not to tell you what your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are. Then go back to #4 or #7.

You'll know how well you do by the number of new things you learn about the family member you're talking to.

Remember, experiences lead us to the beliefs and opinions we hold. Hopefully you will learn about theirs. Even better, you'll give them an experience of empathetic listening from a different point of view, and that could start to soften their own views more effectively than shouted facts or soap box speeches.

Above all, do not accept abusive treatment. Walk away when you need to. Offer some compassion but speak the truth. Don't be afraid to say what you know, but forcing it on family can be its own violence.

Conflict Basics: Boundary Setting

Marriage has conflicts. It's inevitable. And those conflicts easily turn into fights when you feel attacked, denied, pushed, and blamed, and it's overwhelming. When you get to that level of conflict, the only thing you can really do is set firm but gentle limits - think a wall of sandbags rather than razor wire. When you are upset and/or angry - that applies to both you and your spouse - you are not open to a real back-and-forth dialogue. In fact studies of couples during disputes show that being open to communication with your partner is hampered during a fight. You won't hear his/her concerns. You'll likely see him/her as threatening, and you'll be busy protecting or helping yourself.

Keeping a conflict from turning into a fight is a good idea, and one of the best ways to do that is to set limits and keep them. Setting limits helps keep a conflict reigned in, and when that's not possible, can help you walk away when the heat is turned up too high (as you should), without making things worse.

Check out the list of ways to set limits below, but give special consideration to #1. It's #1 for a reason. If you can't do #1, none of the others will help all that much.

1) "I don't want too get upset or angry. I'm going to the bedroom, out, downstairs, outside, upstairs, anywhere else for an hour. I'll check back in with you then."

I've never had a client tell me, "we got really angry, yelled at each other, said terrible hurtful things, and then came to a deeper understanding of each other with greater mutual respect..." In fact, always the opposite. A 2012 study (Murray-Close, D., Holland, A. S., & Roisman, G. I.) showed that couples elicit a "fight, flight or freeze" response during conflicts. You will likely do some damage to your relationship if your verbal responses to one another are the emotional equivalent of fighting against, protecting against, or shutting down in front of your spouse.

Those three responses - fight, flight, and freeze - probably sound familiar to you. They are the big three evolutionary responses to threat, ingrained in our human nature. Your limbic system is in charge of responding to threats, and threat responses don't differentiate between physical threats - a bear in your campsite - and emotional threats - your spouse getting angry with you. Knowing how and when to set your own boundaries, and when to walk away from a conflict, is the most important skill you can build to help you set limits in conflicts in your marriage.

You need to walk away from a conflict before your own ability to handle it wears down. We all have a limit. Once you hit yours, you can't really respond thoughtfully to what your spouse is doing or saying, you can only react as if you're being threatened, and you don't want to get to that point. That's when insulting, yelling, door-slamming and general damage begins. So, please walk away. This might even mean keeping an overnight bag in your car in case you have to go stay with a friend or at a hotel instead of fighting with your spouse.

The rest of this list covers different ways you can help set boundaries with your spouse psychologically, and protect yourself during your back-and-forth in a conflict so you feel less pushed, chased, or attacked. That way, you'll be able to stay present longer, even when in disagreement with your spouse, and have a chance to be more productive in responding to him/her.

2) "I can understand how it looks that way, though I disagree."

If your spouse is angry with you, he/she is probably going to be telling you what he/she is angry about, and that understanding, when he/she is upset, is usually one-sided. For instance, arranging travel can be stressful and conflict-ridden, and knowing when to time the purchase can sometimes feel like playing the lottery. Different people have different levels of tolerance to roll the dice. "If we don't book the tickets now, we'll miss the deal and pay a lot more for the same tickets!" If you hear this from your angry/upset spouse, but you have your own reasons to want to wait, then you use #2, or any variation on it, to pump the brakes a bit. You offer some validation to an upset spouse with the first half of the phrase. It helps him/her cool down a bit, and helps keep the communication open longer without giving up your own ideas or desires.

3) "It seems like this is really important to you, but you are saying a lot about me. Please help me understand why this is so important to you."

To carry on with purchasing tickets, your upset spouse, when upset enough, will start criticizing your actions, or dismiss your efforts or concerns. When that happens, he/she will say a lot that's about you - "You're not listening!", "You're overreacting!", "You never think through your decisions", "You're not upset if we waste money!" Their words are about you, but, what they're really after is something that's important to them. Using #3, again, validates your spouse's feelings and points at the line between you two, prompting your spouse to say more about what he/she wants or needs.

4) "I'm sorry. I want to understand, but I can't hear you when you talk to me like that."

If #3 doesn't slow down the escalation you see from your spouse, then directly addressing how your spouse is talking to you can be helpful. #4 emphasizes that you're trying to understand what your spouse wants, but firmly points at his/her tone of voice or approach as something that's getting in the way.

5) "Please don't tell me what I think / feel / want / intend.  Please ask me and I'll tell you."

If your spouse continues to use phrases like, "You never think through your decisions!", or "You really don't care how much money we spend!", then you may need to set more firm boundaries by reclaiming the ground of your own thoughts, desires, and actions. No one can tell you what you think, want, or feel, and sometimes you have to remind them of that. This may also be a good time to start thinking about walking away from the conflict.

6) "Please, don't tell me what to do."

And if your disgruntled spouse feels so strongly as to push and say, "Just do it my way! Just do it and I'll be happy", then you can also claim your own ability to choose what to do. He/she can ask you to do something, but not tell you. Not to mention, if he/she is upset enough to try and order you to do something, then he/she probably won't be happy once you do what he/she is demanding anyway.

7) "Please, do not help me when I have not asked for it."

When your spouse is upset about how an exchange/negotiation is going, he/she might state how they feel treated and compare it with what they see themselves doing for you. For example, "You don't seem to appreciate that I'm trying my best to help you keep your spending down!" If you have asked your spouse to help you be mindful of spending, then you may have to revisit what kind of help you really want. If not, then you can use #7 above here. You are responsible for yourself unless you've made arrangements otherwise. If someone offers you help, you don't need to accept it, nor do you owe something for it, even with your spouse.

8) "I care, but that's not my responsibility."

Now, if your spouse shifts gears and backs off the overt pressure, he/she may shift into a pleading or prying stance. That could sound like, "I can't believe it. We bought the tickets you wanted and now I'm being asked to be at a meeting at 7:30 AM the morning after we get back!". If you had some contention around buying tickets and your spouse is upset, he/she may push forward this piece of information to inspire guilt. You can use #8 above as a way of holding boundaries with your decision. You have to be careful here though - if you use this phrase with an attitude or nasty tone, it will come off as highly dismissive. If you really do care when hearing of your spouse's predicament, then you have to sound like you care too. I'm also posing this under the pretense that in the conversation about ticket-buying, both spouses had equal ability to say yes or no to the final choice.

9) "This is my room / house / time / money too."

Whether you and your spouse are talking about rooms in your house, time to be shared, or money to be spent, when you're talking about a shared resource, then it truly does take two to say yes and one to say no. If your spouse is upset about what you'd like to do with a room, some time, or your mutual money, that is a good time to set aside the question and come back to it later, maybe even with the help of a professional. Otherwise, one or both of you may be trying to make an executive decision based on power you don't have all to yourself.

10) Mind your tone.

This rule, much like #1, is so very important, but I left it for last because people have a tendency to remember the first and last items of a list, sort of like 'a and z'. If you're setting effective boundaries with your spouse, then you will manage your tone well. Much like the words you or your spouse might use to push, pressure, judge, or dismiss, the tone you use will communicate even more meaning. Please keep a respectful tone. You might become aggravated, annoyed, or curt, and if you do, you can note it - "I know I'm starting to sound annoyed. I'm sorry. Please help me better understand where you're coming from" - and it's a good idea to include a nod to his/her feelings or potential sensitivity to your tone for good measure, with the apology. This might buy you a little more time in your conflict with your spouse to perhaps hear him/her better or allow him/her the chance to cool down a bit more as well.

And for good measure, one last time, I'll remind you to walk away from a conflict if it's becoming a fight. Fights don't produce progress, they pass on pain. Please take time apart when needed. And if you'd like some help addressing your conflict topics with your husband/wife, please reach out to me by phone at (617) 326-8404, or by email at Andre@appsychotherapy.com and I will arrange a consultation with you.

Blinded by Responsibilities

Practicing in a major city, I see a lot of couples made of two working professionals. These are doctors, lawyers, and scientists married to bankers, teachers, and accountants. All are involved, ambitious and dedicated people. They have a lot on their plates, and in addition to professional responsibilities, many of my professional couples are parents too. That much responsibility can make it hard for a couple to do their relationship work. It's hard to make time for your husband or wife when you have a brief to review, a presentation to prep or kids to put to bed. Responsibilities pile up. They can be an obstacle to one-on-one time with your spouse, and they can even serve as sanctuary from problems in your marriage.

Having a family and a career calls for sacrifices from both partners, of course. But career and family demands can easily turn a temporary sacrifice into a standing habit. You and your husband/wife will make the sacrifice of canceled plans or missed connection, and as these "Sorry dear" moments become new routines, expectation diminishes and blindness sets in. After redirecting your time and effort to responsibilities other than your marriage, you may one day wake up and find yourself feeling farther from your spouse than you ever intended, even while waking up next to them every day.

In a life shared with a spouse, many of your efforts parallel each others'. You get up and go to work and he/she gets up and goes to work. You go over the math homework and he/she goes over the spelling homework. You make dinner and he/she does laundry. The good news is that working side-by-side can keep you near one another by virtue of being on parallel tracks. The bad news is that your respective efforts don't necessarily foster connection. Proximity alone doesn't create connection and intimacy.

Lasting connection does start with proximity though - you can't feel close to someone unless you are, well, close to them!  Passion, too, the kind that we all enjoy especially in the beginning of a relationship, also helps establish lasting connection.  But beyond proximity and early passion, lasting connection requires you to bring intimacy into your day-to-day routine for a lifetime. Intimacy began when your spouse was that cute guy or girl across the room, but you need a little bit more effort and intention to keep it alive when other responsibilities compete for your time, attention and energy.

Intimacy, in many circles, is short-hand for sex, but it's really a much broader idea than that. Intimacy is the felt bond, closeness, and attuned connection that we have with our partners across all domains of our relationship. There are a number of ways to connect with your spouse. In my work with couples, I often highlight five aspects of connecting in your marriage, using the acronym SPIESto help them remember what they are. You connect with your spouse spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. How well you feel your spouse knows you across these areas of life can be rough indicator of how close you feel to your spouse.

Intimacy thrives on curious exploration of ideas and mutual openness in shared experiences - spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Intimacy requires some combination of attention and intention paid toward your partner. This kind of effort happens in up-close and face-to-face interactions.

Face-to-face interactions are the basis of intimacy - that's where all the fun stuff happens. Unfortunately, face-to-face interaction is also where conflicts can occur. It is so easy to get hurt, build up resentment, and then avoid relationship work - of the conflict resolution variety - when you have sanctioned responsibilities to hide behind. Consider a time when you and your spouse have been getting on each others' nerves, and then the kids have to go to soccer practice or you could spend some time looking over the finances, doing laundry, or even painting the house. Not that errands or chores are fun, but they're more fun than fighting.

For any conflict you have with your spouse, there will always be another responsibility you can use to occupy your attention and avoid the conflict. In so doing, you can neglect reconciliation, and allow yourselves to drift apart. Having the tools to resolve conflicts is necessary for a long relationship. Spouses without the discipline to maintain connection, and the tools to resolve conflict, run the risk of stale love, hardened hearts and resentment, or simple drift, distance and boredom.

Bottom line: You drift away from your spouse if you: a) forget your marriage due to your role as a professional or a parent, b) avoid struggle in your role as a spouse by hiding in household or family duties, or c) both a and b.

A lifetime can pass with your spouse right beside you, and by virtue of shared goals, a marriage can stay together. But sharing day-to-day tasks is not a substitute for real connection, nor should it shield you from the pain of withered connection and lead you to stop trying. When your children are successfully launched, and you are retired, you'll look next to you and feel either love, or ...... nothing. Maintain your connections!

If you'd like to talk to me about your relationship, how to improve your connections, and/or how to have better conflict resolution, please contact me. Please call me to set up a consultation at (617) 326-8404, or email at Andre@appsychotherapy.com

Fightin' words

You've been there....
A disagreement with your spouse. You offer one view. He or she offers another. You rephrase. You hear attitude and feel pressure or friction from their response. You bring a little attitude. You both talk a little louder. Then a little more.... Suddenly you're in a fight.

You hear attack and criticism. You feel pushed and pressured. In your gut, you have the unmistakable urge to push back. Ultimately you lash out and retaliate. Your thinking is full of defensive phrases like, "I just", "I only", "I didn't". Or, instead of attack, you hear denial, refusal of your wants, dismissal of your feelings. That same urge rises in your gut and you mount an offense, you call out your partner's wrongs, demand what you need, and chase after it. That's when you shift into phrases like, "you think...", "you always...", "you never...", or “you're so selfish".  Either way, if you weren't in a fight before, you are now.

The line
When you fight with your spouse you discover where your line is, and where his or hers is too. That line is the edge of your tolerance for whatever your spouse does that might hurt. Up to that line, you can respond instead of react. Once you or your spouse hit that line, just one more push sets you both firmly on separate sides of "the line". You're now adversaries, which means in that moment, on that issue, you're not on the same team any more. Forget love and cherish. Over the line means attack and defend. That's a fight. Fights start as conflicts, but not all conflicts turn into fights.

Being on opposite sides of the line or an issue with your spouse hurts. It physically hurts. A study by Naomi Eisenberger, PhD, and Kipling Williams, PhD, (Science 2003) shows that individuals suffering a social disconnect - a break up usually - will register activity in the brain similar to the activity that coincides with physical pain in the body. MRI scans show that the part of the brain which registers physical pain is also the part of the brain active when experiencing emotional pain. That means that interpersonal disputes hurt. Plain and simple.

Three responses:
There are three kinds of responses you can offer when in a conflict with your spouse. You can defend against what you hear. You can attack what you hear. Or you can join your spouse where they are. Attack and defense depend on your interpretation of your spouse's sentiments and your tolerance for what you think you're hearing: if you get too angry then you attack or if you fear/resist what you see coming then you defend. Joining your spouse depends on your ability to tolerate any fear/uncertainty or anger and, your ability to stay open to what you hear from your spouse, even if it hurts. When you interpret your spouse as turning their back on you (anger worthy), or attacking you (calling for defense), and you can't deal with it, you've gone over the line.

Defend:
You're talking to your spouse when he or she says something that sounds like, you're wrong, or you're bad, and it stings a bit. He or she sounds critical to you, and you feel pushed over the line so you defend against what he or she says. You react with defense when you hear an attack.

For example, your spouse says, "Hon, you left your shoes in the hall", or "I'm always cleaning up". The message you interpret is you're lazy or you never help. You've had a long day and maybe this was enough to push you over that line, so it hurt, and you react rather than respond. You quickly retort, "Hey, I just got home!", or "I cleaned the entire hall yesterday, by myself!". Now you are pushing back. You want to stop the attack and ultimately to be back on the side of the line you want to be on. You ultimately want to feel safely/certainly connected with your spouse, and at the very least, protected.

Bottom line: In defense, you see unwarranted attack, feel hurt and you react with aggressive words that are often about yourself and are meant to protect yourself. Unfortunately, your spouse is likely to feel rebuffed, discounted or dismissed. Then you might have a fight on your hands.

Attack:
You're with your spouse when he or she says or does something that hurts. You see his or her action as selfish, or simply inconsiderate. Instantly your partner looks self-focused, or worse, even intentionally inconsiderate. You're left feeling overlooked, neglected, and even bruised. This hurts too. His or her actions push you over the line. You feel feel aggrieved, intentionally disregarded or denied and so you attack what seems to be the problem, and in that moment your spouse seems to be that problem. He or she seems wrong so you react with effort to right the wrong and to stop what hurts.

For example, your spouse left shoes in the hall and you think, "I'm always cleaning up". Your spouse's actions seem to send the message, you'll pick up because cleaning is your thing, not mine. You instantly feel taken for granted, or ignored in your requests to keep the hall clear. You feel hurt, you're over the line, and you react. You see your spouse relaxing, and snap at him or her, "Hey, you really don't care who cleans up around here, do you?!", or "You must think I'm your cleaner", or even "you're so lazy!". You are pushing to stop what hurts and ultimately to get back to the side of the line you want to be on. You are attacking / righting what you see as a wrong. You send anger towards what you want to stop.

Bottom line: In attack, you see neglect or offense, feel hurt and react to stop the offense or right a wrong. Your words are aggressive and usually about your spouse, who in that moment is playing the role of "the problem". Your aim is to protect yourself, but unfortunately, your spouse is likely to feel unfairly attacked. He or she then feels put down, or unfairly judged, and again you have a fight on your hands.

When hurt calls for defense or justifies an attack:
Sadly, there's more harm brought into the world by people taking offense, rather than giving it. Feeling hurt is reason to take notice and see what is going on between you and your spouse. Hurt indicates a need of some kind. However, this is where you need to be careful. Attack or defense both require you to interpret the cause of your hurt as a wrong, or offense, and to be angry at or fear / resist what you see.

My spouse is criticizing me. He or she is judging me unfairly. That's and attack!  I feel hurt and what she or he is doing calls for me to defend myself, doesn't it? Really, it's not that simple. Feeling hurt, doesn't mean your partner attacked you. Also, you're partner might truly attack you and you might not feel hurt. There's also the option of not resisting and not defending, even if you are attacked and do feel hurt.

It's much the same for attack-worthiness. I feel overlooked and injured because my spouse isn't considering me. I've mentioned this to him or her before. I believe he or she is doing it on purpose. He or she is wrong to do it and that's worth an attack. Isn't it? It's not that simple here either. Feeling angry and believing you were wronged - neglected, dismissed, or denied, doesn't mean your partner wronged you. Also, you can go overlooked or left with needs unmet without feeling hurt, angry or wronged. There's a third option here too. You can feel hurt, believe you've been wronged and choose not to become angry or attack.

Join:
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, the old saying goes. Typically, this saying means, you tried and couldn't win, so it's better to join in the winning side. It's a brilliant move in marriage because in marriage, it's impossible to win. Winning only happens in adversarial relationships. If you try to win a conflict with your spouse, then you are seeing your spouse first as an adversary and you've already lost.

Win-lose interactions are power based. Power-based interactions elicit fear / resistance and/or anger. Fear and anger split spouses into adversaries. Spouses can't be adversaries and stay spouses. Marriage, or any committed partnership, is a bad place for power struggles. Marriage requires a relationship that maintains enough empathy or mutual focus between partners to establish and maintain a both/and relationship. A win lose relationship doesn't allow for empathy because, by definition, a win-lose scenario means one spouse is primarily focused on winning over the other. That's not really compatible with your standard marriage vows of love and cherish. Win-lose in marriage vows would be, "I promise to love and cherish, but only when I win".

Before and beyond all moments of resistance or anger, you love your spouse. How else did you get to be spouses? Love allows you to focus on your spouse's needs while you have needs too. Spousal relationship, when it goes well, means that you trust your partner has your needs in mind while serving their own too, and they can trust that you have his or her needs in mind while serving your own too. Love allows you to be aware of your own needs and allow for your partner's needs at the same time. Resistance and anger direct focus on only yourself, in a conflict. It's worth noting that the mind responds to emotional threat, in much the same manner as its response to physical threat: fight, flight, or freeze.

When you look into fear, resistance, or anger under attack or defense, you will find your interpretation of your spouse's words or behavior. The messages you get from your spouse are the foundation of your defensive or attack. When you hear your spouse, through their words or deeds, sending you a message that you don't matter  - premise for attack - or you're wrong - reason for defense - you react with resistance and or anger. Those are the feelings of being over the line.

Anger leads to attack, and likely later on, some opportunity for defense. Fear and resistance lead to defense, and usually a counter attack. The third option is to not give into a fear / resistance based urge to defend, and not to give into an anger based urge to right a wrong. That leaves you with joining your partner.

Joining your partner is as simple as the term sounds. Unfortunately, simple is often not easy. For instance, go move that large boulder by yourself, is pretty simple, but hard to do. Joining your partner is staying or joining your partner on the side of the line they are on. When hear your spouse as attacking you, forgive the attack, empathize, try to understand the hurt they feel that drives their attack. If you feel taken for granted by your spouse, forgive their oversight or self-centered behavior. The hard part, for either of these moves, is that you feel your own hut, fear or anger but then have to set it aside. It is simple, but it's one of the most difficult things you will ever do.

For example, your spouse says, "Hon, you left your shoes in the hall", - yes we're back to the shoes again - or your spouse says "I'm always cleaning up". Like before, the message you interpret is you're lazy or you never help. Here is where things are different. You start to feel the hurt build, and you've had a long day too. You're tired, and you want to react. Instead, you relax your tongue (really, try it out), and then take a deep breath. Pause and try to feel where your spouse is coming from. Join your spouse in their frustration for a moment.

You could defend yourself. After all, it's your house too. You technically have the right to leave your shoes in your hall. But, instead you tell yourself, it's his or her her house too, and right now I'll go to his or her side of the line. You say, "Sorry, I know it bothers you when I leave shoes in the hall. I meant to move them before you got home. I'm sorry I forgot." And you move to pick up the shoes.

When you do this, your spouse sees behavior that sends the message, I do care about you and what you want. You do matter. Your spouse then has a chance to recognize you're still on his or her side of the line and respond with kindness, graciousness, and even an apology for sounding aggravated, because, after all, it is your house too.

The hardest part of joining your partner is taking that moment to pause, directing any effort of resistance to your own reactivity, not your spouse's.  If you can do that, then you're able to respond instead of react. You can put aside your evidence to legitimize your actions or lack of action and instead, choose to be with your partner in their need. It will only need to be as long as it takes for your partner to see you send the message, you do matter to me.

But what about you? You still have needs too. Or what if your partner isn't satisfied with your efforts at joining them? Well, you have limits, and if you feel your restraint giving in to your own reactivity, then you need to set your boundaries, observe your own limits, and advocate for yourself.  That means, before you go over the line, tell your spouse you don't want to be angry, and then respectfully but firmly step away from the conflict.  It's better to notice your own limits, and walk away when you need to, than to let a conflict become a fight. Keep yourself on the right side of the line.

If you would like help with your marital or family conflicts please email me at Andre@APpsychotherapy.com, or call to schedule a consult at (617) 326-8404.

Timeouts: Not Just For Kids

Most adults are familiar with the idea of the timeout. A child gets a timeout when he or she crosses a boundary, pushes too much, yells too loud, disobeys too long. How is a timeout helpful? Kids need limits and, more often, a chance to cool down when they are upset.

Adults, though older, are still much the same. You too can get out of line when you get upset. You cross lines, you say things you don’t mean, or worse, say things you do mean and can’t take back. Adults can use timeouts just as much as children can. But, as opposed to children, you, an adult, don’t have anyone to give you a timeout when you need one.

Or is that true? As an adult, no matter how angry you are, there are some lines, and some people, you generally don't cross. When a police officer holds you up at a traffic stop, you keep cool. When you feel insulted by your boss, you hold your tongue.  A boss or an officer are people with some power over you. They can give you a timeout - or the adult equivalent: a night in jail, or a suspension from work - so you keep yourself together and prevent a tough situation from getting worse.

So, at work or in public, you can be given a timeout. At home, on the other hand, you can’t be jailed, suspended, or even ticketed. Is that because you are a master of self-control at home? Probably not. Adult self-control of the "Yes, sir. It won't happen again, sir" variety usually falters once you step inside your own front door. Judging from the clients I see who have experienced physical and emotional abuse at home, home is a place where timeouts are most needed.

At home there is no cop or boss with power over you, no one who has the authority to enact official consequences over you for getting angry and ‘crossing the line’. That contributes to the reason why, at home, it’s easier to slip into timeout worthy behavior. At least that's one way to look at it.

There's more to it than that though. Adults need timeouts not because of a lack of consequences when lines are crossed at home. You need timeouts when someone crosses you and causes you to feel you are of no consequence. I believe timeout worthy behavior rises out of moments when you feel powerless and marginalized. These moments are pretty common: your spouse isn't listening to you, forgot you, or doesn't seem to appreciate or even care about you. These are the kinds of moments which tempt you to raise your volume, push your spouse - verbally or physically, dismiss him or her, reject his or her complaints, or withdraw into a stony silence which sends a harmful message as well. At home, you need to feel like you matter. I believe when you don't feel like you matter, or don't feel loved enough, that's when you cross lines.

It's tempting to point at the figure of a boss or the police and say that you need to be that person in power at home, because without power at home, lines get crossed, and, more importantly, you get hurt. The problem, though, isn't that you are not in charge, the problem is that in your marriage you're not the only one in charge.

You and your spouse are on the same level at home. Each of you has the same rights,  responsibilities - at least I imagine you aim for that, and power. However, all the same, at times you feel like you don't matter to your partner. That feeling hurts and you fight that feeling. Or, I should say, that feeling makes you fight. Besides, even if you did have greater power than your spouse at home, you would matter based on fear really, not love and acceptance of who you are.

When you feel discounted, overlooked, or marginalized, it hurts. That hurt is much greater when you feel it at home, and you see it caused by your husband or wife, the one person who committed to loving and cherishing you. That kind of hurt makes you want to fight. It makes you angry.

When couples - and parents with children too - give way to anger in their thinking, there is a subtle but real change. The loving couple, or happy family, imperceptibly, but truly, morph into adversaries. It may only be temporary, but as anger rises, an angry person feels the stakes rise too, and your foundation of loving connection with your spouse fades out of all perception and accessible memory. With anger, love and connection evaporate, as does restraint, which leads to escalation, and a conflict becomes a fight. At its worst, the moment you feel you don't matter, you see an adversary in front of you, and you show your "loved one" that that they don't matter - at least not as much as you do. And why? Because you feel hurt. My Franco-American grandmother, whom we called Memere, had a phrase for instances heading towards adversity; “ca va tourner un joue des chienes”, that’s going to turn into a game of dogs.

The best reason to take a time out is to keep yourself from losing your mind. That’s pretty much what happens when you forget yourself and lose grasp of your love for the person in front of you. I imagine that's what people lose when they say "I just lost it".  If so, when you lose it, you can't see a spouse. You see only an opponent. Opponents are okay in games, but even in games, heated moments run a risk of becoming a game of dogs.

The rules of the timeout are simple, starting with this: adults take their own time outs. As an adult you are a free and autonomous human being so you are responsible for yourself. For the same reason you can't give another adult a timeout. Kids can take their own timeouts as well, but because children don't typically have enough awareness of themselves, and because adults are responsible for kids, adults generally assign time outs to kids. The bottom line though is this: when you are starting to feel angry, prevent yourself from getting all the way there, take a timeout.

Timeouts are predetermined in length. I suggest a minimum of 30 minutes. This is highly important for two reasons. A time limit of any amount helps prevent you from using a timeout like a dramatic storm off, intending to abandon or shut someone out. It's harder to shut someone out when you leave on "I'll be back in 30 minutes, after I cool down." The amount of time, 30 minutes, is useful because adults need about 30 minutes to calm down after becoming escalated in a conflict to the point of feeling angry.

Come up with a timeout signal. I suggest the universally recognized "timeout" hand signal, the two hand held together - fingers extended on one hand and held perpendicular to the open palm of the other hand -  in a "T" shape. Any word or phrase that works for you both will do the job. When you realize that you're getting to the point of feeling angry, and you know you heading toward crossing some lines, give your “timeout” signal and tell your partner you'll be back in 30 minutes.

Very simply, separate for thirty minutes. Go for a walk around the block, get a coffee, sit in another room, take a shower, do a chore or two.  After 30 minutes, return to your spouse and check in. Are you still feeling angry? Is he or she angry now? If either one or both of you are still feeling angry then continue the timeout for one hour more. Then check in again. If need be, extend the time out for 2 more hours, then half a day, then a whole day. Return only after you are calmed down and you can see a spouse again, not an adversary. Also, I recommend tabling the topic which lead to a timeout for a day. After cooling down once, returning to the same topic of conflict, while tempting, usually leads to more timeouts or a fight.

During a timeout, your main goal is simple, though not easy. Cool off and come back.  You want to come down from anger, come out of an adverse stance of you vs me and get back into relationship, an orientation of we. A relationship rests on the foundation of the mutually held belief that “my spouse/partner wants me to be happy." If you can't see that yet, in any way, you probably need more time.

Relationships will have conflict, but not all conflicts are fights. Timeouts aren’t meant to avoid conflict. Timeouts help keep conflict from turning into fights. So once you cool off and come back to that orientation of we, hopefully you can see your spouse again as a loving partner and you’ll both be back in a better frame of mind.  You both want each other to be happy and to be happy with each other. Great place to be, right? From that place, you’ll be better able to see some of his or her point of view again and he or she will be better able to see yours too.

How do you know you’re not done with a timeout? If any part of you still feels angry, and reacts to your partner as an adversary, then you still need time out. Some signs that you need more time in your timeout include thinking in angry or defensive tones, thoughts like, “He always…”, or “She never…”, or “He is so ____...”, or “I never _____, but she always does...". If you still feel angry and your thoughts sound like these, take more time. You have plenty of it. Take it. Cool down. In my experience working with relationships I've never had someone tell me, "We got angry, yelled at each other, and found a new level of mutual respect and understanding." It just doesn't work like that.

Some different methods or techniques can be used to temper your anger and come back around to that orientation of we. First, give yourself permission to feel some anger. Feeling angry is okay, and when you do feel angry you probably do have some good reason to. As mentioned, the problem, is not feeling angry but that adverse responses kick in after you get angry enough. Giving yourself permission to feel angry can help you feel less angry.

Second, remember that when you’re still angry you’ll be looking for an opponent and evidence against them, rather than a lover and reasons to connect with them.  As you listen to the angry thinking in your head, try looking for exceptions to the always/never thoughts about your spouse.  Using humor here can really help too.  

Third, try to let go of some of the angry thinking. Replace it for the moment. That’s where you take that walk, get that coffee, or go get a quick workout. Let those angry and opponent oriented thoughts subside again. In the course of the timeout you’ll come to a point when you actively choose to return to the we orientation. You need to let the heat die down enough to make that shift, or wait for the weight of the moment to pass, but in the end it doesn’t happen on its own. You will exercise some choice to return to that we orientation.

So you’re done with your timeout, you feel bruised still, some annoyance, but you hopefully can feel a little love for your spouse coming back. Maybe you can let yourself believe again, that even if done poorly, he/she does want you to be happy too. Do you then jump right back into the topic of conflict again? No way! Give yourselves a break. Take a bit of time. The strain of a fight is like popping a shoulder or elbow out of joint. To fix it you put all the parts back in alignment, but still give it time to tighten up again before taking on a workload. Decide, as part of your timeout system, when next you’ll revisit the topic – especially topics that must be addressed – and prepare yourself a bit, before hand, to approach the matter from a we orientation knowing that you’ll both be tempted to get angry and shift back into an adversaries.

The point here is NOT to avoid hot topics. The point is to build a discipline, that of speaking with your wife or husband always from a place of loving respect and connection, especially when it’s hard to do. This is simple once you get the gist of it, however, it’s always hard to do. When the heat rises and the tension builds, a timeout can help you do that.

If you want to hear more about time-outs, and, with your spouse/partner, learn to communicate more effectively and have conflicts without the fight, e-mail me at Andre@appsychotherapy.com, or call me at (617) 326 - 8404 to schedule a consultation

Having Compassion Even When You Are Hurt

That is one of the hardest things to do but it's what it takes to get past a fight. In order to get what you need, or to have a chance at it, you need to be able to hold your spouse in compassion with yourself, while at the same time telling your spouse what your hurts are and asking for what you need.

There are so many places where that can go wrong.
When we hurt we usually tell someone else what they are doing, what they care about, what they are thinking, or worse - where they are wrong and where we are right. I often see those as authentic attempts to 'say what we feel' and ask for what we want instead, though muddied by defense and fear, and we end up criticizing, attacking, maligning, and judging instead - and all the while sounding angry, bitter, resentful or cold.

Focus on feeling, not facts.
Tell your spouse what you feel, not what they did. Feelings are not refutable but narratives are. People spend hours and days fighting in what I call courtroom language, arguing over whose version of a story is right, assuming that rightness is the goal. Rightness is just another form of righteousness and righteousness is often not tolerant of mistakes but love and forgiveness are. When you can say "I feel hurt" instead of "I was right" you're on a better foundation for loving reconciliation.

Be aware of how you might look when you're upset.
When you're hurt you won't register what you, yourself, look like. How you look and sound to your spouse will affect how your spouse hears you or sees you. Are you able to describe what an angry-you looks like to someone else? Try that when you're in a good mood so you're less defensive. How does your spouse see you when you're hurt? Will they see someone needing their help or concern or will they see someone going for their throat? In other words will they be able to hear your hurt or simply fear their own hurt?

See where the other is coming from.
Everyone has their weak spot(s). That weak spot is the concern you fear most, the slight you react the most to, the shame you avoid at all costs. What is your spouse's? Chances are, when you are mad, they are reacting from this weak spot when they see an angry-you. Chances are you are protecting or soothing your weak-spot when you become an angry-you. Can you see your hurt weak-spot and your spouse's at the same time? Everyone generally has the ability, but not when while angry.

Tell the other what you need.
Behind the short sighted reactivity of an angry spouse, and the short-sighted reactivity of an angry-you are those the weak spots that need kindness, love, attention, and support as well as the parts of you and your spouse that do the loving. Try to speak to the loving part of your spouse and tell their I-love-you part what you need. It's in there. And when it hears you, coming from both a place of love and need (not anger and conviction), it will hear and hopefully your spouse will soften. Some shells are harder than others, so some spouses will take longer to soften.

You're doing pretty well when you can hold your own hurt enough, that you can express a little compassion for how your spouse experiences you, and then say what your feel and still ask for what you need moving forward. That's pretty hard to do. I'm happy to help you get there.

Gender and Intimacy

We are born for intimacy. Clients come to me with a variety of complaints, but much of the time, the root issue relates directly to intimacy: disruptions in intimacy, fear of intimacy, over-dependence on intimacy, lack of intimacy, need for intimacy, and the myriad relationship problems that occur in relation to these issues.

We all need intimacy. People are born with the innate drive and capacity for intimacy. In our culture however, we, men and women alike, grow up with conflicting messages about it. Men, moreso than women, struggle in coming to terms with their need for intimacy, and often have poor skills, if any, in maintaining it. In fact, many red-blooded American men squirm at the very suggestion of needing intimacy, or groan when their wives or girlfriends ask for it. For these men, intimacy is something for guys who get manicures with their girlfriends while wearing matching outfits. Plainly put, if you are a guy who wants intimacy, then you’re told in subtle ways that you’re not really a man. That’s a problem.

Boys are taught from early ages how to ‘be a man’. ‘Be a Man 101’ usually includes these imperatives: stand firm, be strong, be tough, be independent, and above all, when something bothers you, don’t let it show. The 201 level of the same course encourages men to take their problems head on: solve the problem, fix the problem, fight it, power it away if it can’t be fixed, and finally, if the problem can’t be resolved by your efforts, then it’s probably not worth your time, and you have every right – and usually the means – to leave the problem. When it comes to relationship difficulties however, this ‘manly’ approach becomes painful, in that many men use the approach described above and simply substitute the name of their girlfriend or wife in for the word “problem”.

While this kind of ‘manly’ approach has always been seen as a man’s problem, in the modern world, as a byproduct of greater empowerment for women, many more women are now adopting elements of this style of handling relationship problems, because they are free to do so – both economically and socially –  for the first time in history. Women are more able and willing to take a problem head on, assert what they want, what they value, and, if need be, they’re willing to turn and walk when their needs aren’t met.

The difference for women in relationships is that women come into relationships having been through their own curriculum, and sorry guys, but theirs is a set of advanced placement classes. ‘I am Woman’ 101, is much more inclusive of intimacy, is open to intimacy, and teaches more of the skills of building intimacy. Womanhood today is more empowered, and from a place of greater freedom, is demanding greater intimacy from their partners. These women know what they want and have the freedom to say that if they don’t get it, they won’t stand for it, and they will leave. And they do.

I’m writing in broad terms here, so let me add this caveat – I realize that not ALL women are empowered and free in today’s world. Also, I know that not all men are intimacy challenged. Actually, greater numbers of men are now asking for more intimacy from their partners. Men have been learning from women in this regard, and as a relationship professional, I’m thrilled when I see men owning their need for intimacy, asking for it, and building the skills to get it and keep it in their relationships.

Intimacy, in a relationship, is the practice of giving your full self, faults and gifts alike, to another person who receives you. Takes you fully! Better yet, in a marriage that other person commits to take you, as you are, every day, and for the rest of your life! That sounds like a pretty sweet deal, doesn’t it?! It’s great to have someone who is committed to you, as you are, but then remember that intimacy calls you to receive your significant other in kind. Intimacy isn’t intimacy unless it goes both ways, and that carries significant implications for how you approach a relationship that you want to be intimate. Intimacy 101 would include both the practice of being honest about what you need from your partner, and the matching skills to be compassionate in considering what you are giving your partner – that’s more in reference to the faults than the gifts. There are ways that intimacy in relationship calls for you to help your partner both receive you and give you what you need. And yes, that too goes both ways.  Sometimes being a man makes that process more difficult. Sometimes being a woman makes that process easier. Sometimes we both get in our own way. Yet we need each other, and this means we need to practice honesty and compassion all the time. That’s not easy, but it is intimacy.

If you are having a hard time getting through to your spouse/partner, and would like help with communication, e-mail me at Andre@appsychotherapy.com or call me at (617) 326-8404 to schedule a consultation.

Marriage Vows To Furrowed Brows: Married to ADHD

"I get kinda hopeless. I don't think he's ever going to change".

This is what Sara said to me about her husband, John, who has had difficulty keeping a job, and had mismanaged their finances, putting the couple in a great deal of debt. John has ADHD, and his work and financial track record is text book for individuals struggling with ADHD. John was not gambling. John was not doing drugs. John was simply not organized enough to keep the bills paid on time and get things done at work.

Sara, on the other hand, is a text book example of the non-ADHD spouse in an "ADHD couple". Sara is struggling now, but was not always feeling this way. In the beginning, Sara felt like a princess with all the attention that John paid to her. Sara loved John's spirit and spontaneity, his warmth and easy going nature. Then, in what felt like a sudden shift, the attention stopped, which can be characteristic of a courtship affected by ADHD. John was onto something else. He wasn't less interested in Sara, he was just easily taken by any number of other interests: TV shows, video games, projects that started and then ended half-finished.

Soon after their wedding, Sara began to appreciate John's spontaneity less and less, as she had to "pick up the slack" more and more. Sara was working full time and John wasn't. Sara would clean up when she got home because John didn't. Sara would cook dinner because John wasn't. Sara would take care of the food shopping because John couldn't seem to do it. Sara went from happy, to content, to annoyed, to frustrated and angry, even questioning if she had married the right person.

For a while, Sara's anger would prompt John into some productive action, but she didn't like having to resort to that behavior, and she knew John hated it too, and it was killing their relationship. Fortunately, with some support and coaching in couples counseling, she was able to put aside the anger and "nagging". This was good. Unfortunately, she felt hopeless instead, asking herself the question, "now what?". She was tired of being seen as a nag and she was tired of feeling alone in managing their lives. Sara missed John's attention, and she was grieving the loss of "the partner she thought she'd have". At a point not too long ago, Sara was contemplating divorce. Fortunately for them both, John agreed to seek treatment for his ADHD.

A good diagnostic work-up and an effective course of medication can work wonders for someone with ADHD.  With medication and coaching, John was much more able to "keep up with things", which began to help heal the marriage. But Sara's hopelessness is a symptom shared by many non-ADHD spouses in an ADHD couple. For Sara and John's marriage, the work of repair had just started, which was separate from the treatment John needed on his own. Often times the non-ADHD spouse and the marriage need solid support, if not life-support, while addressing one spouse's ADHD symptoms.

Sara had shared her contemplation of divorce in a session, and confessed feeling guilty for considering it simply because her husband wouldn't "do his chores". With the couple, I talked about the symptoms of ADHD, and how they affect a marriage. Psychoeducation about ADHD helped John realize that he wasn't "just lazy", and freed him from a lifetime of shame related to unfinished tasks and late arrivals. Understanding ADHD also helped Sara feel better, as she began to see John's actions as symptoms of ADHD, rather than indicators of his commitment to the marriage or his feelings towards her. Sara also felt better knowing that her struggles were shared by many other wives, and husbands too, who have spouses with ADHD.

The healing of a marriage worn by ADHD is a steady and concerted effort for the hopeless spouse and those who support him/her.  The non-ADHD spouse learns how to communicate his/her needs more clearly, recognize behaviors of ADHD, and master techniques of organization and cooperation in new ways that work better for both spouses. In the process, hopeless spouses who stick with it learn a lot about themselves. Sara learned what was truly important to her; for instance, staying together was more important than having a 50/50 split of the household chores. And she learned what she could do without; for instance, the pair cut back on other discretionary spending to cover the cost of a cleaning service to come in once a week. Sara learned to ease some of her expectations of what John could do, and John learned to see his wife's frustrations differently and take them less personally. Coaching, support and understanding are as important for the hopeless ADHD spouse as they are for the spouse with ADHD.

If you would like more information on how symptoms of ADHD can impact your marriage, or if you would like to work with me to help your marriage affected by the symptoms of ADHD please reach out to me at (617) 326-8404. You can also contact me via email at Andre@APpsychotherapy.com.